As Chuck’s health declined, Linda, his wife of more than 60 years, stepped into the role of caregiver. She was dedicated to caring for Chuck, but after he was diagnosed with dementia the challenges became overwhelming. With help from a home health aide through VNS Health’s private pay services, Chuck got the care he needed — and Linda received support, too.
Linda remembers the first time her husband fell and she couldn’t get him up. Chuck rolled to the steps, turned himself backwards, and picked himself up. “I cried a lot,” recalls Linda. “It was the worst day.”
The falls continued. Sometimes Chuck fell in the middle of the night, and Linda had to call the fire department for help. Each time, Linda called it a “horror.”
And it wasn’t just falls. Linda had trouble getting him to leave the house without a fight. She noticed changes in his mood and behavior. Before his diagnosis, Chuck was kind and caring. He rarely yelled, and he was always there when someone needed help. “Everybody loved him,” says Linda. “But he became a crabby old man.”
The Emotional Toll of Caring for Someone with Dementia
Over time, the stress of caregiving began to take a toll on Linda. Chuck would yell at her. Linda found herself constantly angry, even though she knew Chuck couldn’t help how he was acting. “I wasn’t angry with him. I was angry with myself because I couldn’t do it.”
Many dementia caregivers share this experience. In addition to managing medical appointments, meals, and personal care, they often struggle with a wide range of emotions, such as grief, frustration, and exhaustion.
“Living with someone with dementia is almost like living on another planet, especially when it progresses to the point where they’re very forgetful,” explains Jeri, VNS Health’s Associate Director for Social Work Services. “They may no longer recognize you. That may be very emotionally challenging and, sometimes, devastating for their family members.”
Caregiving for someone with dementia can eventually become overwhelming. Still, it’s normal for families to be hesitant to get help. They may feel guilty about bringing someone else in or even feel like they have failed their loved one. But getting professional help is not a sign of failure or giving up. It’s a way to make sure their loved one gets everything they need. And that’s what brought Linda and Chuck to VNS Health.
Finding the Right Dementia Care Support
When Linda called VNS Health’s Personal Care team, they were matched with Monica, a home health aide who impressed Linda right away. Monica helped with everything that Chuck needed, from getting out of bed and showering to leaving the house. They lived in Nassau County on Long Island, and Linda says, “When we went places, Monica took charge. She got him down those steps outside. She got him in and out of the car. I didn’t have to do anything. She was excellent.”
One of the most powerful sources of support for a family is a good home health aide. They make a tremendous difference in the caregiving relationship — and keeping somebody healthy and at home for as long as possible.
– Jeri, Associate Director for Social Work Services at VNS Health
When someone is matched with the right home health aide, it can make a huge difference to families. One of the most meaningful aspects of Monica’s care was how well she got to know Chuck. She learned that he needed something to look forward to — even something as simple as bagels and butter for breakfast.
This experience isn’t unique to Monica. Home health aides are trained to help people with their specific needs, so every person’s care is tailored to them.
It was clear to Linda that Chuck was also happy with Monica.
Monica was the only one that he allowed to shower and clean him without making a big fuss. She was always right there for him, and he loved her.
– Linda, Chuck’s wife
Also read: Best Qualities of a Home Health Aide for Someone with Dementia
But Monica didn’t just care for Chuck. She knew that being an aide for someone with dementia means caring for the family, too.
Caring for the Caregiver
Monica also supported Linda. “Linda was very tired and stressed out. Dementia is hard to deal with,” says Monica. “I would encourage her — you have to take time for yourself.”
This is critical advice for any caregiver. Caregivers can only provide their best care when they are healthy themselves. However, many are so focused on caring for their loved one that they often ignore their own health needs.
Also read: Why Self-Care Matters for You and Your Loved One
Home health aides like Monica can make a world of difference. With home health aide services and specialized support like VNS Health’s Dementia Care at Home,* caregivers get the time they need to take breaks and look after their own needs.
Once Linda knew that Chuck was in good hands, she felt much more comfortable leaving the house and making it to her own doctors’ appointments.
Monica took an enormous amount of pressure off of Linda. Linda liked that Monica knew exactly what to do and didn’t have to be asked to do anything. She recalls, “I got a new washing machine. She didn’t even ask me how to use it. She went down and figured it out herself.”
But when the clock struck 5:00 pm and Monica headed home, it was just Linda and Chuck in the house. As his disease progressed, Linda knew that he needed 24-hour care.
On the day Chuck moved into assisted living, Monica was there. As they pulled out of the driveway, Chuck turned around and said, “Bye‑bye, house.” Monica struggled to hold back tears. “He knew that he wasn’t coming back to the house.”
A Difficult Decision Made with Love
Caregivers often feel guilty when a loved one moves into assisted living or a memory care facility, Jeri explains. “But it opens the door to better outcomes for the patient and for the caregiver.”
Linda admits that the decision was painful, but she knows it was the right one. “They tell me he’s quite happy and content. He talks to everybody. He participates in some activities. I’m glad he’s there,” she says.
“They really do love each other,” says Monica. “She’s a very loving wife. Chuck always says, ‘She takes very good care of me.’”
Monica continues to help Chuck when he visits his family for special occasions. Linda visits Chuck in the assisted living facility every day. “I tell him over and over again how much I love him and how much I need him.”
Your donation can help families like Linda and Chuck as they navigate dementia care at home.
*How Dementia Care at Home Can Help
Dementia Care at Home is part of VNS Health Personal Care’s private pay services. This service, which is run in partnership with experts from Inspired Memory Care, Inc. (IMC), supports people with dementia and their caregivers.
Each individual receives a personalized care plan and a dedicated care team. The team may include a memory care specialist, a registered nurse, and a specially trained home health aide who provides day-to-day care.
Home health aides are a key part of Dementia Care at Home. They learn how to communicate with people with dementia and other cognitive impairment, respond with compassion and patience, and offer reliable support to both the caregiver and their loved one.